26 Long Years: Now Making Love that I Can Feel

Tonight, my son asked me for the first time what it means when we tell each other that we love each other.  He is three years old.  As a person who rarely slows down long enough to breathe in the beauty of life, I caught myself coming to a halt, because I wanted to answer his question correctly; however, it did not take but a few seconds for me to respond. 

I told him that we tell each other we love each other because we care about one another.  That we always want good things for one another.  And that no matter how many accidents or mistakes that we make, we will always be here for one another. 

I found it odd that even though I slowed myself down to answer his question, I did not need much time.  I guess my perception of love is not something that has to be thought about for a very long period of time.  Some things in life just are.  Love is love.  There ain't much to it, yet, it is everything.

I agree with John Mayer when he says in his song Shadow Days, "It's nice to make some love that I can finally feel".  Too many of us go through life understanding what love is, yet never really being able to feel it.  I have recently gotten to a point in life in which I am finally feeling what love feels like.  And yeah, it's real nice. 

All I know is, if you don't know what love feels like, keep on searching.  It'll come around eventually.  For me it took 26 years.  26 long years. 

What I'm Not

Through this life, I have learned that there are many things that I am not.  I am not someone who likes being alone...I always like to have company around, whether they are good for me or not.  I am not someone who likes to give up on things...I am very forgiving.  I am not someone who can control herself when it comes to certain habits...at one time I suffered from a severe drug addiction.  I am not someone who is pleased with having just one of something...I always want more. 

This road that I have traveled in order to discover what I am not has been very rough, but through it I have learned who I am.  I have discovered that I am a child of God. 

Being a child of God is the very reason as to why I do not enjoy being alone...he desires for me to always seek his presence. 

Realizing who my Father is also helps me understand why I do not like to give up on things...he is the King of Forgiveness and wants me to forgive others as well. 

As far as my drug addiction goes, this was just a way for God to prove to me that no matter how deep in the darkness I may find myself, he is still there to pull me out, and that HE alone has the power to help me overcome it. 

Lastly, as far as not being pleased with only one of something and always wanting more...well, that is exactly how a child of God is.  We always want more, and this is a good thing when our eyes are focused on God, as he will continually provide us with more of his love, faith, grace, and mercy. 

If someone ever asks you, "Who are you?", and you find yourself not knowing how to answer the question, simply think of what you are not; this very well may help you discover exactly what and who you are :)

My Thoughts While Incarcerated

I wrote the following words during the month of May in 2012.

I am not going through a disaster.  A disaster occurs when there is an earthquake, when a parent discovers his or her child has a terminal illness, or something of such horrendous magnitude. 

I am going through a valuable learning opportunity.  An opportunity that God has divinely given to me at this very point in my life.  From it, I have the amazing capability to make myself a better person, because I am being provided a significant amount of time in which I can deeply reflect upon my past and present actions, followed by releasing all of them to God.  Choosing to do so allows me to make positive choices along the path that I walk today, which in return brings me better tomorrows, especially when they are compared to my yesterdays. 

Often times in life, through sorrow and tears, I find myself on my knees.  It is during these moments that I am bending down to pick up the pieces of my life that I have previously given up on.  Time and time again, through God's mercy, once I pick them up, I find that they should have never been thrown down, because they miracously fit together with one another and help complete the beautiful puzzle God has created out of my life.

God continually allows me to hear his whispers in which he softly says, "Dear child of mine, you are going home soon.  Bear with me a few more days, and I will carry you home to your son and family."

It is so wonderful that I have finally slowed down enough in my life to hear hear his sweet voice.  Do not misunderstand me.  My anxieties and inner-stress have not been completely eliminated.  The human and sinful nature within me still keep me on edge at times, but through each day, I keep a strong grasp on the hope that comes through the relationship I have with Jesus Christ; this hope is what I find confidence in.  Through this confidence, I know God is in control of each and every piece of my puzzling life.  He carves each piece so that it beautifully interconnects perfectly with other pieces in a unique and divine manner.

Some of the people who surround me constantly throw negative viewpoints in my walkway.  During these moments, I leap towards God, who then helps me swiftly jump over all the negativity in my life.  I refuse to look at anything negative, for I know God works all things together for the good of me, because I love him. 

All around me I am surrounded with the presence of God.  Yes, even in jail, my Lord, Jesus Christ, is by my side!  I find him in my heart.  I find him in the Bible.  I find him in the other women who are here.  In fact, I find more of him in here than I have seen of him in a long time, but this is only because I look for him now, and in my yesterdays I did not. 

Honestly, I seek him both day and night now.  Through my seekings, I constantly find him.  He provides me with everything I need and ask for.  I yearn for the Holy Ghost to rest within me, and he allows it to.  Praise be to Jesus---he is my Savior. 

No matter how much bad news comes my way, my Lord, Jesus Christ, allows me to continously hear and remember the Good News---the Gospel; this Good News gets me through all the moments that come to pass.  All my days.  All my nights. 

It is amazing how deep the waters are that Jesus pulls me through.  It is through these waters that he is thoroughly cleansing me.  At times, it seems as if I may drown, but always he provides me with fresh air to breathe and endless opportunties to breathe out his love. 

These walls cannot block my heart from him.  This darkness cannot hide his light.  He breaks through the walls.  His light shines in on me.  His heart, water, and Spirit cleanse every impurity found within me.  I am being sanctified.  I am being blessed.  I am being loved. 

In What Ways do You Wish You Were more Tech Savvy?

I definitely wish I could become good at building computer programs. I think the way they are built, each process connected to another, should also be used by law enforcement operations. Only those people with a brain similar to mine will understand what I just said.

It was not until about 3 years ago that I became as tech savvy as I now am. I do not even know if you could really consider me tech savvy, as I would say I am very Internet savvy. I can find out informatin on anyone by surfing the Internet and using different search engines, with some of them being paid for. Any who, needless to say, I have surprised a person or two with how much information is available on the Internet.

If You Were Involved in the Making of a Movie, Would You Act or Direct?

I would definitely choose to direct. Heck, I'm the star actress of my 'life-movie', and I get tired of playin this role sometimes, but I refuse to quit cause I have a wonderful director who always pushes me into the next scene---God.

I am not suggesting that I would like to direct as a way to take over his job, but I would like the chance to direct other people just as I please. I have somewhat of a bossy personality, so directing them around is right up my alley.

I find it hard to believe that I could gather up any actors or actresses to work for me, as my 'life-movie' is not one in which someone would think has been well directed ( I make STUPID choices alot...ALOT), but when this ole life of mine is all said and done, if anyone would take the time to sort through all my past times, I think movie watchers and critics alike, would agree that my director has done an excellent job at creating a wonderful individual.

Is it Ever Okay to Lie?

Absoultely not! Although I am very good at being able to create a believable lie, it never turns out good. For starters, lieing is wrong and God makes sure that the truth always comes out. Also, when I tell a lie, I then have to create another lie to cover up the first one and so forth...I am not good at remembering things, so I always end up messing up and it becomes easy to see that I am lieing.

It is also not ever okay to lie because the lie will settle way down deep inside of me and fester; thus, causing me to become very angry with myself.

It is always just much simpler to tell the truth, and then it becomes the person's responsiblity that I am talking to to accept the truth. If they cannot, then that is their bad. Not mine.

If You Were a Flavor, What Kind Would You Be?

If I was a flavor, I would definitley be some type of flavored coffee. I would have to go with a vanilla-nut flavored.

Why would I go with a vanilla-nut flavored coffee? Well, first of all, I chose coffee because I am a speed-junkie (literally). And the vanilla flavor falls in line with me because my last name is White, and also because french vanilla coffee is my favorite type of drink. The nut flavor...well, I am sort of a nut. Anyone who knows me would agree too.

So, there ya have it. If you ever wanna call me a name, leave out the vulgar ones (Lord knows I've been called all the names in the 'mean-name-calling book'). Instead call me a Vanilla Nut Junkie, spoon and all.

10 Things I'm Certain Of

1) God's love for me
2) My love for my son
3) My love for my family
4) I have received many blessings so far in life
5) I have defnitely walked a rough road so far in life
6) I have the best parents in the world
7) I have a very talented sister
8) I am an exceptionally good writer
9) Life is gonna be OK
10) Good things happen all the time for those of us who love God

Would You Say that You Enjoy Driving?

Yes, I must admit that I thoroughly enjoy driving; however, I do not have the cleanest record when it comes to being behind the steering wheel ;) Anyone that knows anything about me knows that the only times I have gotten myself into legal trouble has been while driving. I guess it is a good thing I no longer have a personal vehicle :)

My 5 Favorite Writers, Including Myself :)

1) Paul (used to be Saul)
2) John the Apostle
3) James Patterson
4) Danielle Steele
5) Myself

If You Could Know What Happens in the Future, Would You?

I do not enjoy surprises, so I would definitely choose to know what happens in my future. I cannot even watch a movie with a friend without asking them what is gonna happen (whether or not they have seen the movie, I still ask).

I have a huge flaw of not being able to trust people, but I am extremely working on trusting God with my future. Keeping that in mind, I know that he is providing me with a prosperous future, not disaster (Jeremiah 29:11), so I guess I should choose not to know my future because I know that it is going to be good; however, that little curious part of me cannot help but saying "Absolutely!!!, I wanna know what happens!!!"

Who or What Stresses You Out the Most?

I am definitely the person that brings the most stress into my life. I often get mistaken as someone who does not listen, but I assure you, I am a great listener...just not a good rememberer, so please do not stress me out by accusing me of not listening.

Furthermore, I have a very impulsive personality, which often causes me to react to situations with no regard whatsoever as to how it will affect myself or others around me; this has led to some serious consequences within my life.

Some people might think it best for me to be put on anxiety medicine or ADD medicine, but not I. I refuse the further usage of substances within my life...Lord knows I have used plenty of them already ;)

My Top 5 Strengths

1) Forgiveness and Mercy: I consistently forgive others for the wrongs that they have done; I accept the shortcomings of others; I give people a second chance. Many times, I give them a third and fourth chance as well. I am not vengeful.

2) Open-minded: I try to think things through and examine situations from all sides and weigh all the evidence fairly; however, this does not mean I always make the best choices.

3) Social Intelligence: I try to be aware of the motives and feelings of other people, as well as myself.

4) Hope: This is my greatest strength. Through my God I can find hope in any situation.

5) Spirituality: I have coherent beliefs about my God, my higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of the universe. I accept that I have been chosen to be a child of God and I do my best to reach my heavenly calling.

At What Point in Life Did I Start Feeling Like an Adult?

Umm, well I must admit that in many areas of my life I still do not feel like an adult. One would think that as many times as I have been to Hell and back I would officially feel like an adult, but unfortunately I do not.

I have made so many regretful choices in life that have hindered my capability to act as old as I actually am; however, the one adult-like characteristic I have developed is to continue pressing on in life no matter what my circumstances may be, and I can assure you, my circumstances have varied greatly. At some points in my life I lived as if I was rockstar, while others I actually lived in a homeless shelter.

So, out of curiosity, I wonder if I will ever feel like an adult. I sure hope so. This whole living like a kid thing is gettin real old. Hell, I am raising a kid myself, so I know some definite maturity is needed. With God's help, I am confident feeling like an adult is right around the corner. Cheers to me!!!