Monday, January 7, 2013

Could Be My Last Posting for Awhile

As I sit here tonight, I don't suppose I have ever been so nervous in my entire life.  For the past eight months I have been awaiting to discover if I have to go to jail.  I made a horrible mistake last year and on November 20th of last year, I pled guilty to an Assault in the 2nd Degree charge. 

The girl that I "assaulted" received no serious injury, but still, I am guilty.  It is so weird going from one day into the next knowing that little me assaulted someone.  I mean, in a million years I never thought I would be going to jail for assault.  Anywho, tomorrow I go up for sentencing.  The judge and prosecutor have agreed to probation, but there is a chance the victim could step in and try to protest my probation.  The weird thing is that I have been praying every night for the past eight months that this girl would forgive me and have mercy on me, and now I am being told that my very outcome of the situation is going to be based on her forgiveness.  The very thing that I have been praying about is what my situation is going to be based on.  Weird uh?  I kind've think it's weird, but then again I know it's just the way God works. 

I really don't wanna go away.  In fact, every ounce of emotion within me is trying to keep from crying because I am scared to death that I am going to have to go away.  I made a mistake.  I didn't even mean to harm the girl in an intentional manner.  I don't even know this girl.  She is an innocent bystander who unfortunately got caught up in a moment of rage of mine.  I know consequences have to be paid, but O, my God, hear my plea.  Rain your mercy down on me please.  Tomorrow I want to be here typing words of praise to you.  Not sitting in a jail cell.  But even if I go away, I will be praising my sweet Jesus. 

This very well may be my last posting for awhile, but hopefully not.  Please keep me in your prayers. 

A Lot of Answers to Many Questions

(Thanks Joe for these thought-provoking questions)

1) If you could relive one day of your life, what day would you choose?

Hmmm...this is a difficult question.  One day?  I suppose I would choose the day my son was born.  It was a very wonderful day.  My family surrounded me as well as my son's father.  At only 35 weeks, my little Lucas found his way into this world and proclaimed that he was not too small to survive.  Weighing in at only four pounds, he was the smallest and most beautiful child I have ever seen.  In his own little way, he saved my life the day he was born.  So, my answer is July 10, 2008; that's the day I would relive over.

2) What is a life lesson you have learned recently?

I have learned that no matter how mad someone makes you, it is best to walk away from tense situations.  Never, never, never should you stay and let your feelings boil up to a point in which the only thing left to take place is for the feelings to explode.  All that happens is people get put into harm's way, and if you are anything life me, you end up in jail.

3) What fascinates you?

God's timing.  The way that he works within my life is truly fascinating.  Just when I think that a prayer is going unanswered, he shows up and proves to me that he's been working behind the scenes all along.  And just when I think he going to work in one way, he works in a completely opposite way, only to prove that his plans are much better than mine. 

4) When did you realize life is short?

By no means is life short.  I mean, for some people it is unfortunately cut short; however, for me, I have already been blessed with 26 wonderful years of life.  But, I guess I know what the question is referring to.  I guess I realized that life is short when I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house.  Two days later I moved back home.  LOL.  Within those two days, I quickly realized that life is much different than I thought it was. 

5) What advice would you give to your younger self?

I would constantly remind my younger self that the answers to all of life's mysteries can be found through God's word.  It took me way too long to realize the power and guidance that comes from reading the word of God.  His word truly is living and supernatural. 

6) What do you wish you spent more time doing 5 years ago?

I wish my fiance and I had spent more time working on improving our relationship.  If we had done so, maybe we would have not made the choices that landed him in prison for almost three years as well as the choice that is possibly costing me up to five years in prison. 

7) What makes someone a hero?

I consider someone a hero if he or she puts his or her life aside so that someone else's life can be made better. Any person that takes his or her time to help someone else is a hero.

8) If you were to write a book, what would you write about?

I would definitely write about my life.  I would explain how God has worked miracles in my life as well as how he has helped me overcome a severe drug addiction.  I would write about my siblings that my family has adopted, and also about my spiritual journey.

9) What qualities do you look for in a friend?  A significant other?

Friend: trustworthy, merciful, encouraging, thoughtful.
Significant other: trustworthy, understanding, encouraging, sacrificial, loving.

10) Would you ever sacrifice your values for power, money, and fame?

Well, unfortunately, at one time in my life I know the answer to this question would have been yes.  I have sacrificed every value and standard that I have for drugs, so I know money, power, and fame would have won me over too.  Nowadays, I do not live as I used to, so I can testify that power, money, and fame could not entice to sacrifice my values. 

11) What are your passions?

- Playing piano
- Playing softball
- Watching my sister play basketball
- Watching my son play ball
- Writing
- Traveling

12) How do you define success?

I define success as something that cannot be achieved; it is something that just is.  A person is a success to me if he or she treats others with kindness and does his or her best to bring glory to God in all that he or she does.

13) How have you changed in the past five years?

LOL!!  In every way possible.  Five years ago I was sitting around injecting illegal substances into my body.  Not for one second did I care about others.  All I cared about was getting high.  I didn't give God the time that he deserved, so my spiritual relationship with him slowly dwindled down to nothing.  I hung out with the wrong people.  I didn't spend quality time with my family.  I didn't treat my fiance like he deserved to be treated.  Now, I do everything possible to better my relationships with my family, my son, my fiance, and my God.  I don't use drugs or alcohol any more.  I am not perfect, but I have definitely improved.

14) When is the last time you said a prayer?

Last night.  I always pray several time throughout the course of a day; however, my most intimate prayers are those that are said when I lay my head down at night.

15) If you were able to eat dinner with three people, dead or alive, who would you invite?

Jesus, my son, and my fiance; that sounds like the perfect meal.

16) What would you like to have people say about you at your funeral?

That they saw God work miracles in my life.  That they know how I used to be, but saw God transform my life into nothing less than an angel. 

17) What makes you smile?

My son, playing piano, writing a really good article, my fiance, my siblings. 

18) If you could be with anyone, anywhere, doing anything, who would you be with, what would you be doing, and where would you be?

I would be with my fiance and my son doing anything that they wanted to do.  I would guess that that my fiance would want to be fishing and that my son would want to be outside playing.  So, I guess we could go camping. 

19) What did you do today to make yourself better than you were yesterday?

I'm writing this blog.  Writing always helps me to relax and become a better person.

20) Can lying ever be the right thing to do?

Yes, but only to young children.  Lying is only right when it is to protect young children from things that they need to be protected from.  For example, when my four-year old son asks me where babies come from, I do not go into detail about how a male and female must have intercourse in order for a baby to be conceived.  Instead, I tell him that God puts babies into their mommies' tummies. 

21) If you lost everything, who would still be there for you and do these people know how much they mean to you?

My parents, my siblings, my grandmother, my son, my cousin Branigan, my fiance, and my aunts and uncles.  I hope they know how much they mean to me.

22) What gives your life meaning?

God and my family.

23) What does it mean to be human?

To be human means that we will make mistakes.  That there is something greater than ourselves.  That we have choices to make.  That we need help.  That we can help others.  That we have responsibilities.  That we are capable of loving others.  That we can be forgiven for our wrongs, and that we can forgive others. 

24) What is the purpose of education?

Umm...I guess to help us survive in the world.  To be productive citizens, and so that we can help others with the knowledge that we have.

25) What are the defining moments or time spans in your life thus far?

From the time I was 13 to 19, I made horrible choices that defined who I was for that time period as well as shaped me into the young woman that I soon became; however, at the age of 22, I gave birth to my first and only child, which changed me for the better.  At the age of 26, which is my current age, I made a horrible choice that is still defining how my next five years will be. 

26) When you are living out your final years, what will matter most to you?

My relationship with Jesus will most definitely matter the most.  In addition, my son's relationship with God will be of very great importance.  I do my best to live a life that is always helping draw my son and fiance to Jesus. 

27) What can no one ever take away from you?

No one can take the love for me that God has.  All my moments of joy with my family are mine to hold onto as well.

28) Can you count your true friends on one hand?  Would you trust any of these friends with your life?

Yes and yes.

29) When it is all said and done, will you have done more than you said?

I sure hope so.

30) What are you grateful for and do you celebrate the things you have?

I am so grateful for the family that God has divinely blessed me with.  From my parents to my son to my siblings to my wonderful fiance, I could not ask for a better family.  I am so blessed that God has also given me a wonderful church family to be a part of.  I do my best to celebrate these things by giving praise to my wonderful God. 

31) When is the last time you stepped outside your comfort zone?

Probably when I decided to volunteer for the girl's and boy's basketball games this past year.  I am not one to be in front of a large number of people, and even though I was only taking up money and passing out tickets, at first the experience was kind've uncomfortable for me.

32) If you inherited $1 billion dollars, what would you do with your time and money?

My time would be spent spending the money...just kidding (kind've).  LOL.  I would give at least 10 percent to my church.  I would buy a nice home for my fiance and I and our son, as well as for my parents and siblings and grandparents.  I would probably donate a lot of money to the Ronald McDonald Charity.  I would travel a lot. 

33) Who is the strongest person you know?

My fiance.  I have put him through a lot but he has hung on and he still loves me more than ever.  He even sat in prison for almost three years but did not let it bring him down.  He is by far the strongest man I have ever known.  I am so proud to call him mine. 

34) What is the single best quality a human being can possess?


35) If we learn from our mistakes, why are we afraid to make a mistake?

Because we have often been taught that making a mistake means being a failure.  We need to teach our children that making mistakes is a part of life, and that when mistakes are made, this becomes great learning opportunities.  We must always remind them that mistakes can lead us straight to success. 

36) If you had a friend who spoke to you the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how
long would you allow that person to be your friend?

Not for very long at all.  In fact, I guess I am my worst friend sometimes.

37) Who are your role models and why do you admire these individuals?

My parents, because they live a "good" life and make good choices.

38) When was the last time you went a day without complaining?

I don't remember.

39) What is missing from your life?

Nothing, I have all I need.  God has been so good to me.

40) What will you always believe in?

I will always believe that a man came to earth, his name was Jesus, and that he died on a cross for my sins.  I will always believe that by a supernatural power, he was raised from the grave and that he is preparing me a home with him.