Reality is Weird

Today is a milestone for me.  A milestone that I didn't even know I was pressing toward.  In fact, I didn't realize that today is what it is until I awoke this morning and did some quick calculations in my head.  Anywho, yay for me!!

I used to make bad choices.  Choices that were selfish and self-indulgent.  Choices that didn't give a crap about anyone but making myself happy.  Choices that have costs me everything, including personal belongings and freedom, but today is my 90th day clean from making those kind of choices.  This is not to say that I no longer make mistakes because I do, but now I look at the choices I make and do my best to make the best ones possible. 

I used to live life in a way in which I just flowed from one night into the next day.  Not thinking about which day it was.  Not thinking about what kind of responsibilities I needed to be attending to.  Not worrying about my health.  Not taking into consideration the feelings and emotions of others.  Not even my own.  But that life is behind me now.  Hopefully it's behind me forever.  It would be such a shame if I allowed myself to drift back into that type of lifestyle. 

I started making bad choices when I was 13 (I'm now 26), so you can only imagine how liberating it feels now that I have gotten myself back on the right track.  Actually, let me reword that.  It feels liberating to know that God has chosen to transform my life.  Transform my thought processes.  It has only been by God's grace that I have been able to change into this new person.  Not for a minute do I ever need to take any credit for how I have received this gift of life-transforming power.  For 'every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows' (James 1:17).  It has only been through Jesus that I have been saved from the darkness and sea of bad choices that I was making, and he saved me because he loves me. 

I spent 13 years wasting my life away.  Deteriorating my health, both physically and mentally, and especially emotionally.  But now things are finally coming together for me.  I am recovering from a life spent drifting in and out of one day to the next.  I am finally living in the moment...taking one day at a time. 

Don't ever think that you are too far gone to receive help and recover from a horrible past.  My past is full of lies, deceit, manipulation, immoral this and immoral that, and mostly bad choices.  However, I can sit here today, on my 90th day clean of making horrible choices, and honestly say, I am on the road to happiness.  I am putting the past behind me one day at a time and God is helping me build a new future.  It's liberating.  This new life is weird in a sense, but liberating.  I guess it's weird cause I'm finally living in reality.  Reality is weird.  But good.

Who's Sittng to the Left of You

To left of me sits my mother.  She has a new digital camera around her neck and she is reading a book trying to figure it out.  The thoughts flowing in and out of her mind are so different from mine.  In front of me is a play set, with two children playing on it.  One of them is my mother's, and the other little one is mine.  The thoughts zooming in and out of their minds are much different than those of mine. 

My mind is overflowing with constant thoughts about tomorrow.  And the next day after.  At times, I can get my mind to slow down long enough to focus merely on today.  During these moments, I constantly thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon me.  But during the other moments, I stay concerned with whether or not the judicial system here in this little town of mine is going to incarcerate me. 

Isn't it odd how four people, my mother, our two children, and myself, can be so close to one another, yet our thought processes are so different.  One of us is trying to figure out how to work a camera.  One of the children is playing with cars.  The other child is setting on the play set, taking in the scenery.  And here I am, trying not to melt away in self-pity and depression.  Yet, here each of us are.  Breathing.  Living. 

Everybody in life faces different circumstances.  Each of us has our ups.  Each of us has our downs.  We have no idea what the lives of those around us are like.  We have no idea what the person setting next to us may be going through or what they are thinking.  Maybe my mother is just pretending to read her book.  Maybe she is just as worrisome about my legal outcome as I am.  Who knows?  Only God. 

Anywho, I'm not even real for sure what the meaning of this posting is.  I just found it odd that as I sit here, with other humans around me, that each of us is on an entirely different page when it comes to life.  Yet, here we all are.  Living and breathing.  Taking in the same scenery.  Taking in the same moments of life.

Spiritual Networking

I am a firm believer in the power of prayer.  In fact, I personally believe that prayer is one of the most powerful and abundant resources that God makes available to us, because I have seen it work wonderous miracles within my own life.

I have never tried to start an online network of prayer, but today I feel as if it may be time to see how you and I both could be blessed from it.  All we have to do is let one another know what we want each other to pray for, followed by asking other people to pray for our requests too. 

Feel free to list your requests below in the comment section of this posting.  If it is something personal, and you don't want to share it publicly on the web, just type up that you need a personal issue prayed for.  I promise to take time every day to pray over your requests. 

Now, as for me, I need everyone who reads this posting to please pray for me.  I have a legal situation in which I need God's mercy to rain down within the Grayson County court system.  I am not requesting that my case be dismissed or anything (although that would be nice), but I would like for the workers within the court system to choose a sentencing for me that falls into line with God's will for my life.  Mostly, I would like to receive prayers that ask God to preserve the best interest's of my son; thus, allowing me to be here with him, not behind bars. 

Thank you ahead of time for each one of you that takes your time to pray for me.  During this most troublesome time of my life, you have no idea how grateful I am for your prayers, thoughts, and concerns.

Divine Placement

 

 



Are you facing some type of struggle in your life? Are you facing jail or prison time? Are you suffering from some type of disease? Each of these struggles creates within us emotions that are always intensifying. From one day to the next, as the uncertainty of what is going to happen tomorrow increases, the emotions grow larger themselves. 

It scares me to admit that I feel as if life is going really good right now, because every time I think something is going good, in the blink of an eye, it starts to go downhill.  But, since I'm such an honest person, I must admit life is really looking up for me.  Yea, I may have to go away behind bars for a few days, weeks, months, or even possibly years, but through faith and prayer, I remain confident that I will be strong enough to make it through the tough times that lay ahead of me. 

It is so weird waking up everyday knowing that I am absolutely uncertain as to how my life is going to go over the next year.  I mean, I know that we never have life figured out, but the uncertainty of not knowing whether I am going to prison or not is at times almost too overwhelming; however, my stress related to this issue has calmed down quite a bit over the past week. 

I am here to testify that you and I both can make it through our struggles.  We have to get to a point in which we realize that we are not in control of our life.  We are powerless.  Something greater than ourselves, God, controls everything.  If we hand over our struggles to him, he will with love, mercy, and grace, deliver us from them.  No matter how large they are.  No matter how many people are opposing us.  No matter how high the odds are stacked up against us...he will deliver us from the circumstances that we are struggling through. 

He will also divinely place within our lives people who can help us through our struggles.  These people will with love and patience, stick beside us no matter what it may cost them (just as Jesus did with his life).  They will lay down their lives to help us get through ours.  We should always praise God for the wonderful people he places within our lives.  The main thing we should do is remember that God may choose us to be divinely placed within the lives of other people, so that we can help them through their struggles.  We should always return the favor and do our best to help each and every person we see struggling. 

We are here on this earth for a reason...to help those who are suffering.

The People that Affect Me

Some people will never know how they affect my life.  And I am sure, I will never fully understand how I affect the lives of those people around me.  While there are a couple people in my life who have definitely affected me in a negative way, I do not want to waste my time writing about them in this post.  Instead, I prefer to talk about those who have been nothing but pure blessings in my life.

Let's start with my parents.  Throughout my entire life, my parents have affected me in only a positive manner.  They have continually guided me by setting a good example for me.  When times get rough, my parents have always been here for me.  When times are going good, they have always been here to lift me up with praises.  Needless to say, they have stuck by my side through both thick and thin.

My sister has been another person who has positively affected me.  She is a person of great potential, and through her efforts in reaching her potential, I have learned the value of perseverance and endurance. 

Now moving on to a very important person who has extremely affected me more than any other person...my son.  At only four years old, this little boy of mine affects me in ways that no other human being could.  He has helped me realize what life is about.  It's about getting through the good times, getting through the tough times, all the while guiding and walking alongside those people around us that we love.  He has helped me become a better person. 

I hope that each and every person in my life who has been a positive influence understands how deeply I appreciate them.  I know I have not been the easiest person to get along with, nor have I been the most positive influence in several peoples' lives, but I promise to do better.  I promise to give back what I have been given. 

What Have I Been Reading Lately?

I have been reading the Bible a lot lately. Mostly the new testament. Right now I am going through the most troublesome time in my life, and the only thing that I can find to help reduce my stress is by reading the Bible. Through it, I find inspiration to hang on instead of giving up. The words in the Bible literally energize me.

There are so many people in the Bible that have been through exactly what I am enduring. They made a mistake, paid consequences for it, and picked up what was left of their life and moved on. That is exactly what I am doing. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my troubles.

If you are going through a troublesome time in your life, pick up what's left of it and while you are at it, pick up the Bible and read it. It'll help you out. I promise. Read Ephesians and other books written by Paul. They have tremendously helped me.

I Can't Afford to Become More Stupid

Today wasn't all that stressful for me.  I didn't have very high levels of anxiety, nor did I feel as if I was going to have a heart attack.  Yesterday I was certain that I needed to see a doctor and get put on valium or xanax, but today was different.  Today I have reminded myself that getting put on some type of drug is only going to make me escape reality, and now more than ever I need to face reality head on. 

Do you ever feel like giving up?  Do you ever feel like there is one decision in your life that you didn't make right and that it is going to make you lose everything good in your life?  I do.  I get so consumed with thinking about the past that I forget there are good things to be learned from my mistake and that everything good is not going to disappear.  Sure, I made a stupid mistake.  Sure, I am going to have to pay consequences (and trust me, I already am), but I can still learn from the mistake.  That is the main thing I must do.  Learn, pray, and hope for the best. 

Through learning, I can keep myself from making the same mistake twice.  Through prayer, I can change the outcome of my situation.  Through hope, I can rest assured knowing that my desired future will be here before I know it and that no one can take it away from me.

If you have recently made some stupid mistake, just know you aren't alone.  I'm right there with you. And don't sit around and soak in the stupidity of your mistake.  If you are anything like me, you can't afford to become any more stupid than you already are.