Divine Placement

 

 



Are you facing some type of struggle in your life? Are you facing jail or prison time? Are you suffering from some type of disease? Each of these struggles creates within us emotions that are always intensifying. From one day to the next, as the uncertainty of what is going to happen tomorrow increases, the emotions grow larger themselves. 

It scares me to admit that I feel as if life is going really good right now, because every time I think something is going good, in the blink of an eye, it starts to go downhill.  But, since I'm such an honest person, I must admit life is really looking up for me.  Yea, I may have to go away behind bars for a few days, weeks, months, or even possibly years, but through faith and prayer, I remain confident that I will be strong enough to make it through the tough times that lay ahead of me. 

It is so weird waking up everyday knowing that I am absolutely uncertain as to how my life is going to go over the next year.  I mean, I know that we never have life figured out, but the uncertainty of not knowing whether I am going to prison or not is at times almost too overwhelming; however, my stress related to this issue has calmed down quite a bit over the past week. 

I am here to testify that you and I both can make it through our struggles.  We have to get to a point in which we realize that we are not in control of our life.  We are powerless.  Something greater than ourselves, God, controls everything.  If we hand over our struggles to him, he will with love, mercy, and grace, deliver us from them.  No matter how large they are.  No matter how many people are opposing us.  No matter how high the odds are stacked up against us...he will deliver us from the circumstances that we are struggling through. 

He will also divinely place within our lives people who can help us through our struggles.  These people will with love and patience, stick beside us no matter what it may cost them (just as Jesus did with his life).  They will lay down their lives to help us get through ours.  We should always praise God for the wonderful people he places within our lives.  The main thing we should do is remember that God may choose us to be divinely placed within the lives of other people, so that we can help them through their struggles.  We should always return the favor and do our best to help each and every person we see struggling. 

We are here on this earth for a reason...to help those who are suffering.

The People that Affect Me

Some people will never know how they affect my life.  And I am sure, I will never fully understand how I affect the lives of those people around me.  While there are a couple people in my life who have definitely affected me in a negative way, I do not want to waste my time writing about them in this post.  Instead, I prefer to talk about those who have been nothing but pure blessings in my life.

Let's start with my parents.  Throughout my entire life, my parents have affected me in only a positive manner.  They have continually guided me by setting a good example for me.  When times get rough, my parents have always been here for me.  When times are going good, they have always been here to lift me up with praises.  Needless to say, they have stuck by my side through both thick and thin.

My sister has been another person who has positively affected me.  She is a person of great potential, and through her efforts in reaching her potential, I have learned the value of perseverance and endurance. 

Now moving on to a very important person who has extremely affected me more than any other person...my son.  At only four years old, this little boy of mine affects me in ways that no other human being could.  He has helped me realize what life is about.  It's about getting through the good times, getting through the tough times, all the while guiding and walking alongside those people around us that we love.  He has helped me become a better person. 

I hope that each and every person in my life who has been a positive influence understands how deeply I appreciate them.  I know I have not been the easiest person to get along with, nor have I been the most positive influence in several peoples' lives, but I promise to do better.  I promise to give back what I have been given. 

What Have I Been Reading Lately?

I have been reading the Bible a lot lately. Mostly the new testament. Right now I am going through the most troublesome time in my life, and the only thing that I can find to help reduce my stress is by reading the Bible. Through it, I find inspiration to hang on instead of giving up. The words in the Bible literally energize me.

There are so many people in the Bible that have been through exactly what I am enduring. They made a mistake, paid consequences for it, and picked up what was left of their life and moved on. That is exactly what I am doing. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my troubles.

If you are going through a troublesome time in your life, pick up what's left of it and while you are at it, pick up the Bible and read it. It'll help you out. I promise. Read Ephesians and other books written by Paul. They have tremendously helped me.

I Can't Afford to Become More Stupid

Today wasn't all that stressful for me.  I didn't have very high levels of anxiety, nor did I feel as if I was going to have a heart attack.  Yesterday I was certain that I needed to see a doctor and get put on valium or xanax, but today was different.  Today I have reminded myself that getting put on some type of drug is only going to make me escape reality, and now more than ever I need to face reality head on. 

Do you ever feel like giving up?  Do you ever feel like there is one decision in your life that you didn't make right and that it is going to make you lose everything good in your life?  I do.  I get so consumed with thinking about the past that I forget there are good things to be learned from my mistake and that everything good is not going to disappear.  Sure, I made a stupid mistake.  Sure, I am going to have to pay consequences (and trust me, I already am), but I can still learn from the mistake.  That is the main thing I must do.  Learn, pray, and hope for the best. 

Through learning, I can keep myself from making the same mistake twice.  Through prayer, I can change the outcome of my situation.  Through hope, I can rest assured knowing that my desired future will be here before I know it and that no one can take it away from me.

If you have recently made some stupid mistake, just know you aren't alone.  I'm right there with you. And don't sit around and soak in the stupidity of your mistake.  If you are anything like me, you can't afford to become any more stupid than you already are. 

Name Something that You No Longer Worry About

I figured I could easily answer this prompt, but when I sit down and think about it, in order for me to honestly answer it, I have to say that there is nothing that I no longer worry about. I know that I should not worry about things, yet, I still do. Anything and everything, every little detail of life, I still worry about. I even have two worry lines in between my eyes.

I hope one day that I get to a point in which I do not worry as much, but as for today, worrying consumes a lot of my time. It wasn't too long ago that I wrote a posting advising other people to not worry about things. To hand their problems over to God. I guess I need to take my own words to heart.

A Few of My Thoughts

Even the strongest person has a pain within them that at times must be expressed through tears.

A love for life is a desire to live.  A desire for more than what we already have because we know life can get better.

I cannot overcome this sinful nature without becoming its master.  In order to master it, I must let it go...into my Master's hands---Jesus Christ!

Suffering has brought me hope.  Hope is something many people never experience.  So, if suffering is what must be endured, then let us all suffer so that we can realize that true hope does exist.

Prayer is my most powerful resource.  Praise be to Jesus that it is also my most abundant.  Prayer is what will save me from my troubles, because my prayers are prayed in the name of Jesus, which is the one and only Savior.

My attitude and mind have been renewed.  With this type of refreshment, I can overcome anything.

For those within my life who appear weak and depressed, I pray you find the joy which is provided by my God.

It hurts seeing my loved ones endure consequences that are a result of my actions and choices.  Yet through all this, they show me what real love is.  They become greater blessings within my life than they previously have been.

This well of mine at one time ran dry, and thus I hit its rock bottom, but as for now and forevermore, it is a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.

I will win this race marked out before me.  I see God in everything and to him I am sprinting.

Troublesome Times and Perseverance

Troublesome times in my life often bring on moments of depression, denial, anger, and guilt.  I wish life were like a computer keyboard, where moments of trouble could simply be cleared away by pressing the delete key, but it is not.  Instead, I have to endure through them.  Persevere through them. 

For me, setbacks in life have come from my constant failure to steer clear of sinful behaviors.  At times, I feel like giving up, but these are the moments in which my perseverance has to be at its best.  I cannot get down on myself for the mistakes I make.  Even the ones I continually make over and over.  I have to remember that failures are accompanied with doors of opportunities.  Opportunities for me to learn from, and some of them are the back door to success.  Ultimate success.

One thing I have learned about myself is that at times I become overconfident.  I persevere through one trial and think that I have this life figured out, and this of course leads me back to my old sinful behaviors.  While it is unfortunate that I at times go back to old behaviors, in doing so I am constantly reminded that I am human.  Reminded that I am going to make mistakes.  There are some sins in this life that I may struggle with until the day I die, but until then, the best thing I can do is continue to endure through them with the help, grace, and mercy of my God. 

Currently, there are two trials that I am having to faithfully persevere through: a legal matter and a relationship matter.  Each trial has its own difficulties, but each is requiring the same type of perseverance from me.  The perseverance is one that includes within itself patience, understanding, acceptance, and more.  I fully understand why I am going through each trial, so the understanding part of perseverance is easy.  The acceptance of the trials is quite simple too because I realize I brought upon myself both of them.  The patience part is what is the hardest.  See, I'm not a real patient person to begin with, and now I am having to patiently wait to see what the outcome of both trials is going to be like.  I know that God is working behind the scenes, in complete control of each trial's outcome, but it is hard being patient while he works. 

Fortunately, I am able to sustain a good attitude through both trials, fully believing that God will work each trial out in the best manner possible.  Hopefully, my legal matter is going to work out in a way in which I will spend a minimal amount of time behind bars, as well as not have a smeared mark on my criminal record.  And the relationship trial...well, I am fully confident that both parties involved have already been provided enough perseverance and strength to continue loving one another until the day they can be together. 

Perseverance is a difficult characteristic to sustain, and I in no way have it mastered, but I am learning, and I hope each of you who are reading this know or learn how important it is to persevere through the trials in your life.  In doing so you will become a better person.  You will become stronger.  Most importantly, the people around you will greatly appreciate your efforts in learning how to turn troublesome times into opportunities of success.  In fact, you very well may be the person who teaches another person how to persevere.

Things to Do on House Arrest

 

Even though I am not legally on house arrest, since I am out-n-about on a $10,000 bond, thanks to the signature of my parents, they have instilled the house arrest rules on their own.  I do not really blame them though.  I mean if I go out and mess up, then they lose $10,000, and none of us want that to happen. 

Any of you that have ever been on house arrest knows that it SUCKS!  Do not get me wrong, it is much better than sitting in jail (I've done that too), but being confined to one's home while the rest of the world is taking part in other activities can really get to a person's mind.  Well, at least to my mind it does. 

So, what is a person to do while on house arrest?  I researched this topic, and to my amusement, I found mostly a bunch of stupid answers.  Some people responded, "get high", "churn butter", "drink beer".  Um, no thanks.  For most of us, getting high and drinking is probably what led us to committing our crimes from the beginning.  Now, the whole churning butter thing, I might would give that a try (if I got bored enough;). 

Ok, so now on to some helpful responses.  Some people suggested watching Netflix.  I think this idea is wonderful.  I have recently started watching Netflix, and I love the wonderful selection of shows and movies it has.  Sons of Anarchy is my favorite show so far.  Within two days I watched two seasons of the show and fell in love with it.

Exercising is of course a wonderful idea, if you can turn it into something more than an idea.  Everyday I keep telling myself I am gonna exercise, but it has not happened yet.  I guess I haven't got bored enough yet. 

I am a paid freelance writer, so being on house arrest has not affected my employment.  If you are looking for some ways to make some money while confined to your home, and if you have any writing skills whatsoever, give writing a try.  An excellent company to be employed through is Textbroker.  They accept all types of writers and have a multitude of subjects to write about. 

Lastly, if you are a believer in God, try getting to know him a little better.  My relationship with him has grown extensively since I have gotten into legal trouble.  Some of God's greatest works come from those people who are bed-ridden, as well as those people who enter into the criminal justice system.  Through our weaknesses, he makes us strong.  For me, the best way to strengthen my relationship with God is by reading his word...the Bible.  Every troublesome time within our life, like being on house arrest, holds a great lesson within it that we are supposed to learn.  Try learning your lesson.  Ask God to show it to you. 

To all the readers of this posting, if you have never been on house arrest, I hope you never have to.  For those of you who have or are, best of luck in filling your time.  I think the number one thing to do is not waste time being jealous of those people out there in the world who are carrying on with their normal lives.  For me, not being jealous is hard.  I so bad want to be out there doing what normal people do.  But, I'm getting better.  Just remember, you aren't alone.  Thousands of us are on house arrest.  And chances are, almost all of us are doing the exact same thing...surfing the Internet.

Ways to Overcome Self Pity

Today was one of those days.  You know, one that does not quite go like you expect it to, but in the back of your head, you know that a day in which things do not go according to plan is nothing out of the ordinary.  In fact, if you are anything like me, this type of day is so common that it brings forth

a strong sense of familiarity.

There are some people in my life that I cannot figure out.  I cannot figure out their motives, nor if anything they say is true or not.  For the life of me, I want to believe everything they say, but then again part of me wants not to believe it, because some of things they say cut me deep.

I am really trying to not smother myself in self pity today about not knowing how to 'take' some people.  I have done a pretty good job at avoiding it so far, but the night has not even gotten here yet.  So, to help myself, I think it is key to remind myself how to avoid such a horrible feeling to get caught up in.  Below, is what I have come up with so far when it comes to clearing one's mind of self pity.

Quit Thinking Obsessively

Self pity is a behavior.  People undergo feelings of self pity when they obsessively think about a certain situation.  In order to overcome it, a person has to acknowledge that it exist, as well as completely rid of the thoughts that initially caused one to pity his or herself.  Negative persons, as I tend to be, are often the worse people when it comes to pitying themselves.  We have to get rid of the negative thoughts.  Whatever the situation is that is causing feelings of self pity, it needs to be completely forgotten about.  Almost as if it never happened.  This does not mean we cannot learn from the situation, as the best type of learning often comes from the worst of circumstances, but we have to move on.  WE HAVE TO GET OVER OURSELVES!!

Physical Exercise (I am still working on this one;)

Movement of the body relieves stress, and for people with self pity, it can help eliminate the associated feelings too.  The more we move, the better our body and mind feels.  Plus, since we are exerting energy into exercising, we have less energy to devote to feelings of self pity. 

Be Thankful

I believe that one of the number one ways to overcome self pity is to have an attitude of gratitude.  Be thankful for anything and everything.  It is pertinent that we people who loathe in self pity remember that God allowed every circumstance to occur within our life for a certain reason.  And, usually this reason is so that we can become a better person from it.  The underlying beneficial factor in keeping an attitude of gratitude is that you CANNOT be grateful and sorry for yourself at the same time.  So, if you choose gratefulness, then self pity goes out the window and has no area in your mind to consume.

It Could Always be Worse

Just remember, things can always get worse.  Sure, they could get better, but pray they do not get worse.  Oh yeah, key thing to do is PRAY.  Prayer is the most powerful tool you can use to overcome self pity.  Just give it a try.  I promise it will work.

Four Months Ago

Four months ago seems like it was forever ago, yet, then again, it kind've feels like yesterday all at the same time.  It has been four months ago to this very day that a major transformation took place in my life...I decided to start making better decisions.  So, where has that gotten me?  Well, it has gotten me into legal trouble, as well as sitting here tonight with a broken heart.  I am not implying that I regret the decision I made four months ago, but things certainly have not gone as I expected them to. 

I have always heard the saying 'things have to get worse before they can get better';  today, this old saying definitely applies to me.  Looking back at the past several months, even though I have made much better choices than I used to, many parts of my life have completely fallen apart.  Thankfully though, God has allowed this to happen so that he can show me how powerful he is.  Each and every broken piece he picks up for me, placing it back into my puzzling life, right where it belongs.  At times, the pieces of my life seem like they fit together perfectly, but through God's grace and his rearranging of them, I am able to see how they can better fit together when they are taken out and placed back within at a different angle. 

Angles.  Life is all about looking at it from different angles.  I might think at times that life is looking good, yet from another angle, it is completely backwards of how it should be.  Backwards of how God wants it to be. 

Thank you God for showing me once again that some pieces of my life need to be rearranged.  None of them need to be thrown away, they just need to be placed within my life at a different angle.  Thank you for placing people within my life who show me how wonderful life can be, with or without them.  Thank you for helping me make that 'good' choice that I made four months ago.  I cannot wait to see how the next four months will go.  Whether things continue to get worse or better, I know you are there holding my hand all the way. 

Ok, Whatever. Peace.

For me, there is always that one person in life that I cannot seem to see eye to eye with.  That I cannot come to some type of agreeable terms with.  Does this mean we are bad people?  That we do not care about one another?  Absolutely not!  It just means that neither one of us has gotten to a point in life in which we are completely unselfish.  We both still have our own agendas, and they apparently do not correlate with another. 

So, does this mean an entire relationship should be flushed away?  All the moments of laughter, growth and progress completely forgotten about?  No.  But life is what it is.  Some things are lost, some things are won.  Sometimes the things that matter the most to us, we simply lose.  We grasp on to them with all of our strength, but our strength alone is not strong enough to hold on to them for forever. 

Would not it be easier to simply agree to not agree, while at the same time agreeing to endure through the hardships and use them as opportunties of growth?  Well, yes it would be easier, but this cannot take place when one side of a relationship thinks he or she has done nothing wrong.  For me, in this type of situation, I have to simply add another chalk mark under my life's 'lost column'. 

So, what do I do now?  What are these next few weeks going to be like?

I can tell you what I am not going to do.  I am not going to use a substance to numb the pain.  I am not going to make another stupid mistake and get into more legal trouble. 

I will make it through tonight.  Tomorrow.  Next week.  Through the rest of my life.  I will learn from the mistakes made in not being able to see eye to eye with a person.  Mostly, I will from now on look at those people whom I cannot agree with and say the following 3 meaningful words, "OK, whatever. Peace."

What does "having it all" mean to you? Is it attainable?

To me, "having it all" means having a perfect life. Perfect health, perfect relationships, perfect attitude, perfect peace. And no, for me, it is not attainable.

My health is not as good as it should be; this is due to many years of injecting illegal substances into my body. My relationships are far from perfect. My attitude often needs a readjustment. And my peace is still working itself out.

Thankfully, I am not a person who wants to "have it all". I am content with the health I have, for it could be far worse. I am content with my relationships because they are growing in a healthy manner. I am content with my attitude, for it has gotten a lot better now that I have realized the world does not revolve around myself. And my peace with the world and myself is getting much stronger.

With all that said, in a sense, I do "have it all", because I have everything I need, and that is all that matters. If you know anyone that "has it all", has that perfect life, please let me know. I would love to meet them.

No More Stayin Awake for Days

One-thirty in the morning, and I am still awake.  Some things just never change for me...like the late hours of staying awake; however, this night, I can assure you, I will be closing my eyes before too long, which is unlike many of my yesterdays in which I would not close them for several days. 

I am so glad that the 'staying awake for several days at a time' thing has changed for me.  I feel so much healthier now that I have been getting proper amounts of sleep, as well as proper amounts of food.  My life is not perfect or anything, nor did I expect it to be by merely changing the substances that I put into my body, but it is much better than it used to be.  My relationships are better, my work ethic is better, and my spiritual life has taken a leap forward. 

Still yet, I constantly have to remind myself that I am not in control of every detail within my life.  Yeah, I can control what substances enter my body, what words my ears hear, and what sights my eyes take in, but that is about it.  Everything else is out of my control.  I cannot control what tomorrow will bring, and I keep finding that worrying about my tomorrows is what seems to keep me so anxious, as well as what keeps me up on nights like tonight.

I hate feelings of anxiety.  Literally hate them.  I want so bad to know what next week and the next few months will be like for me, and this is what keeps me on edge. 

I am thankful to my God that I am learning to be patient.  That he has helped reduce the amount of anxiety in my life, but still yet, the anxiety still lingers within me.  Slowly but surely, I know that God is working out everything for me.  That the outcome of the next few days, weeks, months, and years will be for the best.  The best for me.  The best for my son.  The best for everyone that I love. 

Keeping all that in mind, I think I will go to sleep now.  It is nice going to sleep knowing that someone greater than myself is working behind the scenes to take care of my problems, cause I sure cannot.  Even the stupid, idiotic problems that I have caused for myself, my God is taking care of. 

If you have any problems, whether they be significant or stupid, hand them over to God.  He will take care of them.  Trust me, he has gotten plenty of experience dealing with my petty problems that I know he can handle anything.  He's been doing this whole 'hand your problems over to him' thing for a long time now. 

My Changing of Seasons

Tingling sensations of energy often find their way flowing within my mind and soul during the change of a new season. Through many years, it has also become a familiarity that no matter how a season ends or evolves, the invisible process that takes place, especially from Winter to Spring, becomes a contagious concoction.

Those people who delve out the effort and time to soak in the wondrous sensations of the positive-inconsistency that cloak many of our day to day routines find their selves bathing in moments of euphoria. Change is good, especially if you get to a point like me where nothing but a good change can fix many of your daily and/or lifelong issues that keep you awake at night.

 If you regularly do not notice environmental adaptions that take place from one season to another, at least begin to look within yourself and assess how your body, mind, and soul go through continual seasons of change. This type of seasonal-personal evaluation very well may be the sense of motivation you have been looking for lately. I know it has been for me.

My Thoughts on Pranking

A prank is not something that I would ever desire to have conspired against me. A prank is only beneficial when it has been determined that there is absolutely no other way to catch the prankee's attention in a manner that will still allow him or her to not endure the consequences that would normally take place if the sneaky scheme was not a prank (hope you understood that;). If a prank is a must, it should only be performed once.  In a sense, a prank can be thought of as a warning.

The worst types of pranks are those that involve legal matters and marital or relationship issues.

My Opinion of Reality TV

Reality television to me is a way for actors/actresses to receive desired attention. The attention itself is positive when using it to address a certain issue that needs to be resolved or studied, but it is negative when used in a way to boost one's self-image. A person's self-image cannot be based on his or her moments caught on film during a reality television broadcast. These types of shows tend to be full of drama and relay to the public messages that only hurt the world's social well-being.

But when can reality TV ever really be considered pure reality? Only if the actor/actresses are not aware of the filming, and this by all means is unethical.

Tomorrow Never Gets Here

When our lives are full of anticipation, we often forget to ask for patience.  We stay so consumed with being anxious, looking to get to the next the big thing in our life, that we take for granted the blessings in which we are currently being provided. 


Tomorrow will not bring the satisfaction that we are looking for.  Tomorrow will bring its own troubles, just as today has.  We must get to a point in our life in which we are satisfied with today.  Today is a blessing.  Each passing second is more than what we deserve, and they should never be taken for granted. 

We are not in control of what tomorrow will hold, so never assume it is going to pan out as you have it planned.  On the bright side, we can find hope in knowing that tomorrow might be better than what the present day is providing us with. 


For me, being patient and taking one day at a time is a hard thing to do. I constantly want for tomorrow to get here, because I feel as if the presence of that day will somehow give me what I need. Give me what I have been looking for. Unfortunately, this causes me to forget that I have already been given exactly what I need to get through this very day at hand.

Patience can be provided to those of us who ask for it. It is not something that can be developed overnight if we seek it on our own; however, if we ask the Man above, it can be instilled within us in the blink of an eye.

Continually remember, tomorrow always turns into today.  Keeping this in mind, also remember that the only day to find true hope and patience in is today.  Today is what you have been searching for.  Today is a blessing.  Today is enough...enough to get you through until tomorrow.  Tomorrow has finally gotten here...it is today.

26 Long Years: Now Making Love that I Can Feel

Tonight, my son asked me for the first time what it means when we tell each other that we love each other.  He is three years old.  As a person who rarely slows down long enough to breathe in the beauty of life, I caught myself coming to a halt, because I wanted to answer his question correctly; however, it did not take but a few seconds for me to respond. 

I told him that we tell each other we love each other because we care about one another.  That we always want good things for one another.  And that no matter how many accidents or mistakes that we make, we will always be here for one another. 

I found it odd that even though I slowed myself down to answer his question, I did not need much time.  I guess my perception of love is not something that has to be thought about for a very long period of time.  Some things in life just are.  Love is love.  There ain't much to it, yet, it is everything.

I agree with John Mayer when he says in his song Shadow Days, "It's nice to make some love that I can finally feel".  Too many of us go through life understanding what love is, yet never really being able to feel it.  I have recently gotten to a point in life in which I am finally feeling what love feels like.  And yeah, it's real nice. 

All I know is, if you don't know what love feels like, keep on searching.  It'll come around eventually.  For me it took 26 years.  26 long years. 

What I'm Not

Through this life, I have learned that there are many things that I am not.  I am not someone who likes being alone...I always like to have company around, whether they are good for me or not.  I am not someone who likes to give up on things...I am very forgiving.  I am not someone who can control herself when it comes to certain habits...at one time I suffered from a severe drug addiction.  I am not someone who is pleased with having just one of something...I always want more. 

This road that I have traveled in order to discover what I am not has been very rough, but through it I have learned who I am.  I have discovered that I am a child of God. 

Being a child of God is the very reason as to why I do not enjoy being alone...he desires for me to always seek his presence. 

Realizing who my Father is also helps me understand why I do not like to give up on things...he is the King of Forgiveness and wants me to forgive others as well. 

As far as my drug addiction goes, this was just a way for God to prove to me that no matter how deep in the darkness I may find myself, he is still there to pull me out, and that HE alone has the power to help me overcome it. 

Lastly, as far as not being pleased with only one of something and always wanting more...well, that is exactly how a child of God is.  We always want more, and this is a good thing when our eyes are focused on God, as he will continually provide us with more of his love, faith, grace, and mercy. 

If someone ever asks you, "Who are you?", and you find yourself not knowing how to answer the question, simply think of what you are not; this very well may help you discover exactly what and who you are :)

My Thoughts While Incarcerated

I wrote the following words during the month of May in 2012.

I am not going through a disaster.  A disaster occurs when there is an earthquake, when a parent discovers his or her child has a terminal illness, or something of such horrendous magnitude. 

I am going through a valuable learning opportunity.  An opportunity that God has divinely given to me at this very point in my life.  From it, I have the amazing capability to make myself a better person, because I am being provided a significant amount of time in which I can deeply reflect upon my past and present actions, followed by releasing all of them to God.  Choosing to do so allows me to make positive choices along the path that I walk today, which in return brings me better tomorrows, especially when they are compared to my yesterdays. 

Often times in life, through sorrow and tears, I find myself on my knees.  It is during these moments that I am bending down to pick up the pieces of my life that I have previously given up on.  Time and time again, through God's mercy, once I pick them up, I find that they should have never been thrown down, because they miracously fit together with one another and help complete the beautiful puzzle God has created out of my life.

God continually allows me to hear his whispers in which he softly says, "Dear child of mine, you are going home soon.  Bear with me a few more days, and I will carry you home to your son and family."

It is so wonderful that I have finally slowed down enough in my life to hear hear his sweet voice.  Do not misunderstand me.  My anxieties and inner-stress have not been completely eliminated.  The human and sinful nature within me still keep me on edge at times, but through each day, I keep a strong grasp on the hope that comes through the relationship I have with Jesus Christ; this hope is what I find confidence in.  Through this confidence, I know God is in control of each and every piece of my puzzling life.  He carves each piece so that it beautifully interconnects perfectly with other pieces in a unique and divine manner.

Some of the people who surround me constantly throw negative viewpoints in my walkway.  During these moments, I leap towards God, who then helps me swiftly jump over all the negativity in my life.  I refuse to look at anything negative, for I know God works all things together for the good of me, because I love him. 

All around me I am surrounded with the presence of God.  Yes, even in jail, my Lord, Jesus Christ, is by my side!  I find him in my heart.  I find him in the Bible.  I find him in the other women who are here.  In fact, I find more of him in here than I have seen of him in a long time, but this is only because I look for him now, and in my yesterdays I did not. 

Honestly, I seek him both day and night now.  Through my seekings, I constantly find him.  He provides me with everything I need and ask for.  I yearn for the Holy Ghost to rest within me, and he allows it to.  Praise be to Jesus---he is my Savior. 

No matter how much bad news comes my way, my Lord, Jesus Christ, allows me to continously hear and remember the Good News---the Gospel; this Good News gets me through all the moments that come to pass.  All my days.  All my nights. 

It is amazing how deep the waters are that Jesus pulls me through.  It is through these waters that he is thoroughly cleansing me.  At times, it seems as if I may drown, but always he provides me with fresh air to breathe and endless opportunties to breathe out his love. 

These walls cannot block my heart from him.  This darkness cannot hide his light.  He breaks through the walls.  His light shines in on me.  His heart, water, and Spirit cleanse every impurity found within me.  I am being sanctified.  I am being blessed.  I am being loved. 

In What Ways do You Wish You Were more Tech Savvy?

I definitely wish I could become good at building computer programs. I think the way they are built, each process connected to another, should also be used by law enforcement operations. Only those people with a brain similar to mine will understand what I just said.

It was not until about 3 years ago that I became as tech savvy as I now am. I do not even know if you could really consider me tech savvy, as I would say I am very Internet savvy. I can find out informatin on anyone by surfing the Internet and using different search engines, with some of them being paid for. Any who, needless to say, I have surprised a person or two with how much information is available on the Internet.

If You Were Involved in the Making of a Movie, Would You Act or Direct?

I would definitely choose to direct. Heck, I'm the star actress of my 'life-movie', and I get tired of playin this role sometimes, but I refuse to quit cause I have a wonderful director who always pushes me into the next scene---God.

I am not suggesting that I would like to direct as a way to take over his job, but I would like the chance to direct other people just as I please. I have somewhat of a bossy personality, so directing them around is right up my alley.

I find it hard to believe that I could gather up any actors or actresses to work for me, as my 'life-movie' is not one in which someone would think has been well directed ( I make STUPID choices alot...ALOT), but when this ole life of mine is all said and done, if anyone would take the time to sort through all my past times, I think movie watchers and critics alike, would agree that my director has done an excellent job at creating a wonderful individual.

Is it Ever Okay to Lie?

Absoultely not! Although I am very good at being able to create a believable lie, it never turns out good. For starters, lieing is wrong and God makes sure that the truth always comes out. Also, when I tell a lie, I then have to create another lie to cover up the first one and so forth...I am not good at remembering things, so I always end up messing up and it becomes easy to see that I am lieing.

It is also not ever okay to lie because the lie will settle way down deep inside of me and fester; thus, causing me to become very angry with myself.

It is always just much simpler to tell the truth, and then it becomes the person's responsiblity that I am talking to to accept the truth. If they cannot, then that is their bad. Not mine.

If You Were a Flavor, What Kind Would You Be?

If I was a flavor, I would definitley be some type of flavored coffee. I would have to go with a vanilla-nut flavored.

Why would I go with a vanilla-nut flavored coffee? Well, first of all, I chose coffee because I am a speed-junkie (literally). And the vanilla flavor falls in line with me because my last name is White, and also because french vanilla coffee is my favorite type of drink. The nut flavor...well, I am sort of a nut. Anyone who knows me would agree too.

So, there ya have it. If you ever wanna call me a name, leave out the vulgar ones (Lord knows I've been called all the names in the 'mean-name-calling book'). Instead call me a Vanilla Nut Junkie, spoon and all.

10 Things I'm Certain Of

1) God's love for me
2) My love for my son
3) My love for my family
4) I have received many blessings so far in life
5) I have defnitely walked a rough road so far in life
6) I have the best parents in the world
7) I have a very talented sister
8) I am an exceptionally good writer
9) Life is gonna be OK
10) Good things happen all the time for those of us who love God

Would You Say that You Enjoy Driving?

Yes, I must admit that I thoroughly enjoy driving; however, I do not have the cleanest record when it comes to being behind the steering wheel ;) Anyone that knows anything about me knows that the only times I have gotten myself into legal trouble has been while driving. I guess it is a good thing I no longer have a personal vehicle :)

My 5 Favorite Writers, Including Myself :)

1) Paul (used to be Saul)
2) John the Apostle
3) James Patterson
4) Danielle Steele
5) Myself

If You Could Know What Happens in the Future, Would You?

I do not enjoy surprises, so I would definitely choose to know what happens in my future. I cannot even watch a movie with a friend without asking them what is gonna happen (whether or not they have seen the movie, I still ask).

I have a huge flaw of not being able to trust people, but I am extremely working on trusting God with my future. Keeping that in mind, I know that he is providing me with a prosperous future, not disaster (Jeremiah 29:11), so I guess I should choose not to know my future because I know that it is going to be good; however, that little curious part of me cannot help but saying "Absolutely!!!, I wanna know what happens!!!"

Who or What Stresses You Out the Most?

I am definitely the person that brings the most stress into my life. I often get mistaken as someone who does not listen, but I assure you, I am a great listener...just not a good rememberer, so please do not stress me out by accusing me of not listening.

Furthermore, I have a very impulsive personality, which often causes me to react to situations with no regard whatsoever as to how it will affect myself or others around me; this has led to some serious consequences within my life.

Some people might think it best for me to be put on anxiety medicine or ADD medicine, but not I. I refuse the further usage of substances within my life...Lord knows I have used plenty of them already ;)

My Top 5 Strengths

1) Forgiveness and Mercy: I consistently forgive others for the wrongs that they have done; I accept the shortcomings of others; I give people a second chance. Many times, I give them a third and fourth chance as well. I am not vengeful.

2) Open-minded: I try to think things through and examine situations from all sides and weigh all the evidence fairly; however, this does not mean I always make the best choices.

3) Social Intelligence: I try to be aware of the motives and feelings of other people, as well as myself.

4) Hope: This is my greatest strength. Through my God I can find hope in any situation.

5) Spirituality: I have coherent beliefs about my God, my higher purpose, the meaning of life, and the meaning of the universe. I accept that I have been chosen to be a child of God and I do my best to reach my heavenly calling.

At What Point in Life Did I Start Feeling Like an Adult?

Umm, well I must admit that in many areas of my life I still do not feel like an adult. One would think that as many times as I have been to Hell and back I would officially feel like an adult, but unfortunately I do not.

I have made so many regretful choices in life that have hindered my capability to act as old as I actually am; however, the one adult-like characteristic I have developed is to continue pressing on in life no matter what my circumstances may be, and I can assure you, my circumstances have varied greatly. At some points in my life I lived as if I was rockstar, while others I actually lived in a homeless shelter.

So, out of curiosity, I wonder if I will ever feel like an adult. I sure hope so. This whole living like a kid thing is gettin real old. Hell, I am raising a kid myself, so I know some definite maturity is needed. With God's help, I am confident feeling like an adult is right around the corner. Cheers to me!!!

Would I Ever Visit a Psychic or Palm Reader?

I have never in my life visited a psychic or palm reader; however, I have ran into a few psychos...lol. Never have i felt the need to visit someone who states he or she has the ability to look into my past and somehow use this self-proclaimed talent to help my future. No one knows my past better than I do...well, except for God, and trust me, He does a wonderful job at allowing me to remember my past, especially the mistakes. The path that I take throughout my life constantly changes because of the choices I make. At times, even the decisions and actions of other people create curves and turn-a-rounds, but one thing is for sure...the road I walk continues to go on and on. It does not dead end. I in no way need someone to tell me which way to go. I know where I am going, as well as the fact that the way in which I head means I travel down a rough, sometimes lonely, and extremely exhausting road. If at any time I feel the need to ask for direction, which I often do, I simply ask the person who is carrying me...MY GOD. Heck, He's the one who built the road, so He knows it better than anyone.